After a second disaster which masqueraded as a holiday, this time with my olds. I was pretty disappointed in the behaviour of TPBW. Happy enough to join in at dinner time and off shopping or spending time texting or on the phone during the day. Once again a short few days after a jolly to South Africa. The kids were ok, as they had their Grandparents with them so they weren't just with boring old Mum. Both of my parents were shocked by the lack of interest of TPBW in spending time with his children.
Since the previous holiday he's dropped about 20lb in weight ,no mean feat when he was slim to start with. Purchased a whole new wardrobe (to accommodate the new figure) of expensive youthful clothing and shoes. Taken up a manic obsession with cycling to get fit. Become almost obsessed with food ie how much he is eating and drinking, and spent many nights away 'on business'. At home he has been sullen and moody, clearly unhappy with being around us or doing anything with us. Then he got his eyes lasered so he no longer has to wear glasses.. Something he has done since his teens.
He actually started to let down our friends for parties and dinners or the Friday night pub, preferring to spend time with his workmates, under the guise of business.
Comments to me or about me and my appearance were mostly negative. He told me I had let myself go and clothes looked dowdy on me.. So why put up with it?
All this I put down to the mid life crisis. I kept hoping that he would come round out of it and find joy in his family and family life. But I suppose that was false hope on my part. Also sometimes it is better the devil you know.
Well.. Eventually after a particularly bad morning where he had been away overnight (again) I challenged him as he started shouting at our youngest daughter (now 14) who was making him some lunch. All she had asked him was if he wanted some tomato sauce with his pasta.
I cornered him.. It had been like walking on eggshells..
"What the hell is going on? We are supposed to be a team. What is wrong with you? If you won't talk to me about it then how can we work through this! "
" It's nothing I am just tired."
"come on it is more than that, Maybe I can help you somehow"
"No I have to work this through on my own. It's nothing bad.. I just can't talk about it"
"oh for goodness sake I can't live like this talk to me PLEASE"
So the story unravelled for me. Things I needed to know but didn't want to know. Things I had guessed but had maybe denied.
He had become obsessed with someone that he met through work. Fallen in love with her and told me that she had rejected him. She was in his words "out of his league" Whatever that means. If she had wanted him then he would have left me and the kids without a second thought, in a heartbeat in his words. He was upset and unhappy because he didn't love me any more apart from as the mother of his children (Gee Thanks! ) He felt he isn't a natural Father and maybe shouldn't have had kids. (hmm bit late to send them back now ! ) Finally he said that he felt he should never have got married and he felt he hadn't achieved anything with his life.
Bit of a blow...
I actually hugged him ! He was upset at his rejection I felt sorry for him. Was a angry? Yes. Did I shout and rant? No.
I thought about it over the next 24 hours. It was his birthday the next day. 49 a dangerous age apparently. We had friends for supper on the day and after they had gone I suggested that perhaps he needed to move out and think about things.
Wednesday 20 June 2007
Tuesday 12 June 2007
How it all began
After nearly 16 years of marriage not all of them bad and 19 years together as a couple, the mid-life crisis hit hard. Things had been somewhat ropey for a couple of years I suppose, but one kind of tries and explain away stuff and close one's eyes to what is happening because the alternative is not pleasant for anyone.
TPBW had been behaving more and more like a singleton over the years. His work had meant that he was often away on business all over the world and I held the fort in the meanwhile. On occasion, he would take me on some of the more local events so I got to mingle with the 'beautiful people' that inhabited his world. Pop stars, footballers, actors and other such people. Often partners were not invited. I have to say that I never really minded that. Smart charity dinners are fun occasionally, but polite conversation with people who really are sometimes shallow and often uninteresting because of their lack of interest in what you have to say can be tiresome.
I can manage however... I can talk Bull with the best of them when required and to be fair some people were surprisingly down to earth despite their fame and fortune.
I suppose that when you travel first class for business that a family holiday economy class is a bit of a come down... and here is where I suppose I was first fully aware of the problem.
Two summers ago I spent 3 weeks in the south of Spain with my kids with my parents there for a week and one of my daughters friend for another week. We had a few days of pure chilling and then the TPBW joined us for the last 4 days of the holiday. He had been touring China and the Far East with a premier Football team, one of the perks of his job and a great opportunity which I agreed he should take.
We collected him from the airport and you would think that having had a couple of weeks away on what was basically a jolly he would have been looking forward to spending time with the kids. The first night was ok, we all went out for dinner Thai I remember and had a relatively early night. He spent most of the next day glued to his mobile phone (business calls) or reading on the terrace in the sun whilst I went swimming etc with the kids.
That second evening the kids 13 and 14 at the time, were bickering as only teenage sisters can do whilst I showered before dinner. TPBW totally lost the plot at this and STORMED out of the apartment throwing a handful of change at the wall. I got out of the shower and from the balcony I could see him pacing off into the distance through the gardens of the villa complex. We were due out for dinner with some friends. He did return shortly afterwards and announced that he couldn't deal with being part of such a dysfunctional family, didn't want to be married, didn't want to be there and was packing to leave on the next flight to the UK. Some more and rather hurtful things were said at the time which left me reeling as if cut by a knife. Some of these things were directed at our youngest daughter. I persuaded him to stay.
We did end up going out for dinner with our friends where he was playing hail fellow well met all jolly and chatty, but My youngest and I were somewhat weepy and the eldest daughter was very quiet.
Without going into further detail this little outburst and the following rather icy behaviour was the start of the serious problems to follow. Holiday was pretty much ruined as the hurt anger and disappointment ruled out the good time we had had before his arrival. I was devastated truly by what happened.
TPBW had been behaving more and more like a singleton over the years. His work had meant that he was often away on business all over the world and I held the fort in the meanwhile. On occasion, he would take me on some of the more local events so I got to mingle with the 'beautiful people' that inhabited his world. Pop stars, footballers, actors and other such people. Often partners were not invited. I have to say that I never really minded that. Smart charity dinners are fun occasionally, but polite conversation with people who really are sometimes shallow and often uninteresting because of their lack of interest in what you have to say can be tiresome.
I can manage however... I can talk Bull with the best of them when required and to be fair some people were surprisingly down to earth despite their fame and fortune.
I suppose that when you travel first class for business that a family holiday economy class is a bit of a come down... and here is where I suppose I was first fully aware of the problem.
Two summers ago I spent 3 weeks in the south of Spain with my kids with my parents there for a week and one of my daughters friend for another week. We had a few days of pure chilling and then the TPBW joined us for the last 4 days of the holiday. He had been touring China and the Far East with a premier Football team, one of the perks of his job and a great opportunity which I agreed he should take.
We collected him from the airport and you would think that having had a couple of weeks away on what was basically a jolly he would have been looking forward to spending time with the kids. The first night was ok, we all went out for dinner Thai I remember and had a relatively early night. He spent most of the next day glued to his mobile phone (business calls) or reading on the terrace in the sun whilst I went swimming etc with the kids.
That second evening the kids 13 and 14 at the time, were bickering as only teenage sisters can do whilst I showered before dinner. TPBW totally lost the plot at this and STORMED out of the apartment throwing a handful of change at the wall. I got out of the shower and from the balcony I could see him pacing off into the distance through the gardens of the villa complex. We were due out for dinner with some friends. He did return shortly afterwards and announced that he couldn't deal with being part of such a dysfunctional family, didn't want to be married, didn't want to be there and was packing to leave on the next flight to the UK. Some more and rather hurtful things were said at the time which left me reeling as if cut by a knife. Some of these things were directed at our youngest daughter. I persuaded him to stay.
We did end up going out for dinner with our friends where he was playing hail fellow well met all jolly and chatty, but My youngest and I were somewhat weepy and the eldest daughter was very quiet.
Without going into further detail this little outburst and the following rather icy behaviour was the start of the serious problems to follow. Holiday was pretty much ruined as the hurt anger and disappointment ruled out the good time we had had before his arrival. I was devastated truly by what happened.
Sunday 10 June 2007
Welcome to my world
Having followed my good friend and soul mate on her journey to a new life in the big apple.. I thought I would log my ramblings online to maybe peruse at a later date when the dust has settled.. To remind myself of the anguish pain and heartache that the TPBW has been putting me through these last 6 months and will continue to do I am sure for several more to come.
Sometimes reviewing one's rants can help clarify things in one's mind... (or minds which seems to be the case for me at the moment! )My most precious possession in the world are my marbles... and I seem to have temporarily mislaid them along with self esteem and self belief at times.
I have yet to set up a profile, so I shall indulge myself in believing that someone might be interested in who I am and what I am all about.
I am nearly 45, I am woman, I am blond.
I have two beautiful and much loved teenage children who drive me crazy and bring me great joy in turn.
I live with two large hairy dogs (Mr and Mrs Barker) and a very large apricot Maine coon cat(BFC).
I am lucky enough to have a wonderful supportive and loving boyfriend of a few months.
I am currently still tied in wedlock ( now I know why it is termed wedlock) to the estranged spouse(TPBW) and am just starting divorce proceedings against same.
I presently live in a beautiful house in the middle of England, in a village in the countryside. This house is on the market at the moment and because of the situation with the estranged, said house is being sold to allow me the luxury of my own home with my own front door.
Sometimes reviewing one's rants can help clarify things in one's mind... (or minds which seems to be the case for me at the moment! )My most precious possession in the world are my marbles... and I seem to have temporarily mislaid them along with self esteem and self belief at times.
I have yet to set up a profile, so I shall indulge myself in believing that someone might be interested in who I am and what I am all about.
I am nearly 45, I am woman, I am blond.
I have two beautiful and much loved teenage children who drive me crazy and bring me great joy in turn.
I live with two large hairy dogs (Mr and Mrs Barker) and a very large apricot Maine coon cat(BFC).
I am lucky enough to have a wonderful supportive and loving boyfriend of a few months.
I am currently still tied in wedlock ( now I know why it is termed wedlock) to the estranged spouse(TPBW) and am just starting divorce proceedings against same.
I presently live in a beautiful house in the middle of England, in a village in the countryside. This house is on the market at the moment and because of the situation with the estranged, said house is being sold to allow me the luxury of my own home with my own front door.
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